in two days, i will be celebrating my solar return. my bornday. my birthday. whatever you choose to call it.
in two days, i won't be 29 anymore.
i'm not excited.
if you know me, you know that i love birthdays. i mean, i LOOOOOOOVE birthdays. and not just MY birthday, i love everybody's birthday. but this year, i'm just not feeling it at all. i figured as it got closer to my day, i'd get more excited but nope, not at all. this week has especially dimmed my light. what's today again? (*checks calendar*...ok, it's wednesday) it's not even so much that it's because i'm turning "the big 3-0" in two days...it's more about how these past couple weeks have been. last week i left for my "mini-vacay" (i went to indianapolis, louisville, and atlanta), and i just KNEW i'd have a blast, come back feeling good, feeling great, you know all that shit.
false.
quite honestly, it was probably the biggest waste of time ever. don't get me wrong, ALL aspects of my expedition (i like that word) wasn't a total bust, but i just didn't enjoy myself. most of what i remember about the trip was driving and/or riding in a car every damn day. i thought i would come back with loads of good shit to scribble about, but i've come to the conclusion that it's not even worth an entire post. *shrugs*
anyway, what i was saying is that i thought that as a result of my trip, i'd feel renewed, excited, lighthearted, etc...just in time for my birthday.
false.
what i was excited about was coming home, and that's about it.
see, the thing is- i got a lot of shit going on right now. i may or may NOT (this just in) be going to Ghana for my grandmother's funeral in about 2 weeks, and with that whole thing comes a myriad of STUFF within itself. it's all very overwhelming. but that's only a piece of what i have going on right now. so the reason why i agreed to go on this lil trip was to get away, clear my mind of the clutter and stress, enjoy myself, and come back feeling irie. but instead, not only did the clutter and stress follow me to my destination(s) (literally. i got phone call after phone call about shit that was going on, or NOT going on here that effed me all up), the shit was eagerly awaiting my arrival and sat comfortably in my lap upon my return.
wtf? hell, i coulda stayed at home!
so now here we are, two days before my favorite day of the year (supposedly), and i'm just feeling....blah. i really hope to shake this feeling in time for my "big day". i will be surrounded by friends and family, and though that makes my heart smile, the truth is i'm not excited.
i recognize that i'm blessed.
but i'm not excited.
i got two days.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
i pray....
i pray for my
grandmother. who is restin.
sister. who is stressin.
mother. who is worryin.
father. who is hustlin.
brothers. who are missin.
brother. who is grindin.
cousins. who are strugglin.
friend. who is cryin.
ex. who is forgettin.
lovers. who are lovin.
people. who are readin.
homies. who are survivin.
and self.
who is all of the above.
amen.
grandmother. who is restin.
sister. who is stressin.
mother. who is worryin.
father. who is hustlin.
brothers. who are missin.
brother. who is grindin.
cousins. who are strugglin.
friend. who is cryin.
ex. who is forgettin.
lovers. who are lovin.
people. who are readin.
homies. who are survivin.
and self.
who is all of the above.
amen.
Monday, October 18, 2010
sometimes?
sometimes i cry. eric benet. as depressing as this song is--i LOVE it.
anyway.
me? i cry ALL the time.
matter of fact, i JUST got through crying. this evening/night took a weird turn. i won't get into all the details, because to be quite honest, they're irrelevant. (in real life though? i DO details--irrelevant or not;)).
but in short- earlier i was feeling irie, just chillin you know? one of my best girlfriends has (or is it have? i really do not know. imagine that!) been going through some things, and we had been communicating all day about it and i was being that good, supportive friend that i only know how to be (hopefully). another girlfriend of mine and i had decided we were gonna hit the streets tonight. just because. but then she ended up feeling sick, so that didn't happen and honestly that was totally okay. you have to take care of you first.
it was ESpecially okay because somewhere in between all of that, I started feeling some type of way. like sad. or alone. or something. but i don't REALLY know why. i mean, i had started thinking about "stuff"--just life stuff and i guess it kind of got me down. i started thinking about my current situation, "him", my grandmother...just a whole bunch of STUFF. stuff that i really cannot control, to be honest. stuff that my numerous glasses of sangria cannot and will not take away...just STUFF. then i started to cry. (it don't take much nowadays folks). weird right? i can't explain it. then i started tweeting real "deep" "abstract" "only makes sense to me" type stuff....weird.
i have a friend. he's not a "frieeeeeeend friend" but you know, he's a 'friend'. we've been friends for a REALLY long time, so i reached out to him because that's who i wanted at that point and time while i was going through my weird, unexplainable "stuff". but he was unavailable. (point of clarification: it wasn't "boy" and if you've read "boy meets girl" already, then you know the significance of "boy". and if you have not read "boy meets girl", then read it!). anyway so "friend" doesn't live here (in chicago), i reached out via telephone. and that mofo was STILL unavailable (didn't answer, didn't text back), so he was like for REAL unavailable. i was disappointed and sad, and thus started to cry harder and drink more.
>>people have lives chic *reprimand to self*<<
ok so i've suddenly forgotten the point of this post. honestly.
hmmm...weird.
but i kinda feel better.
okay, so eric benet cries sometimes. i cry ALL the time. i wanted to talk to my friend. and i miss "him" ("him" equals the ex, not my friend and friend is not "boy". did i lose you? hope not.), and that's all i really remember thinking when i started this post. sorry folks.
no more sangria.
dear 2010, fuck you.
dear 2010,
i'm just gonna keep it real. i hate you. you ain't shit. you've taken my job from me, my money, my surburban apartment, my man/best friend, my grandmother, my peace of mind, my motivation! and in about a week and a half, you even gon' take my 20s from me! i mean damn. why have you been so cruel? what's the beef? i can remember late in 2009 when i was looking forward to seeing you. i was ready to welcome you with all my heart and even participated in quoting the cheesy phrase "ready to get it in, in 2010" (don't judge me). then you got here, and fucked me allllll up.
you started out real cool though! i can remember the day you came. me and my man (the one you took from me) were at church, and were so happy to see you! we sang, danced, clapped, and prayed for your arrival. we thanked you for coming. we had such high hopes for you. I had such high hopes for you. then you got comfortable. you brought HELL on my job. then came the rumors of the lay-off. then the rumors became TRUE! what the hell??? what you expect me to do LAID-OFF?? wow. okay, so of course that's gonna affect my money. which means i have to leave the apartment that i have grown to love, and go somewhere "cheaper". had to think quick. then came the problems with me and him. him. HE was supposed to be my husband (per me). but shit happens and shit happened. damn. he was my best friend. i still miss him.
so i find a place, i move, i'm unpacking, i'm starting to have a little bit of fun, meet some cool people, hang out with my fam....then the phone call comes. "something horrible has happened. it's grandma......" no. you're kidding me. not grandma. MY GRANDMA. NO. this has to be a nightmare. HAS TO BE. oh my God. not my grandma.
i haven't been the same since. everything stopped. except my mind. it races. constantly. my stress level? let's not even GO there. i can't feel anything. or i feel EVERYTHING. you have officially fucked me up, 2010. i'm just ready for your ass to go. you have overstayed your welcome and i'm completely over you. i can't wait for the day you go away and never ever come back.
but wait.
there are some things i should thank you for. i'd be remiss not to thank you for each day that passes because that means each day i get to wake up and see you getting closer to being gone. also, i should thank you for the people you have brought into my life and the for the people who have STAYED in my life during the bullshit you've brought me to. my people have been my rock. them, and God. but that goes without saying. thank you for introducing me to my new lovers this year. and thank you for the lovers who have been there since day one. i sincerely thank you for all of them. i even thank you for the people who i "thought" were there but ultimately decided to leave for one reason or another...keeps me on my toes and makes me appreciate my Real lovers more and more every day. thank you for allowing me to remain cool, calm, and collected on the outside. even though you got me lookin and feelin like shit on the inside, one would never know it just by looking at me.
you can't take everything muthafucka.
fuck you 2010.
fuck you
and
thank you.
sincerely,
me.
i'm just gonna keep it real. i hate you. you ain't shit. you've taken my job from me, my money, my surburban apartment, my man/best friend, my grandmother, my peace of mind, my motivation! and in about a week and a half, you even gon' take my 20s from me! i mean damn. why have you been so cruel? what's the beef? i can remember late in 2009 when i was looking forward to seeing you. i was ready to welcome you with all my heart and even participated in quoting the cheesy phrase "ready to get it in, in 2010" (don't judge me). then you got here, and fucked me allllll up.
you started out real cool though! i can remember the day you came. me and my man (the one you took from me) were at church, and were so happy to see you! we sang, danced, clapped, and prayed for your arrival. we thanked you for coming. we had such high hopes for you. I had such high hopes for you. then you got comfortable. you brought HELL on my job. then came the rumors of the lay-off. then the rumors became TRUE! what the hell??? what you expect me to do LAID-OFF?? wow. okay, so of course that's gonna affect my money. which means i have to leave the apartment that i have grown to love, and go somewhere "cheaper". had to think quick. then came the problems with me and him. him. HE was supposed to be my husband (per me). but shit happens and shit happened. damn. he was my best friend. i still miss him.
so i find a place, i move, i'm unpacking, i'm starting to have a little bit of fun, meet some cool people, hang out with my fam....then the phone call comes. "something horrible has happened. it's grandma......" no. you're kidding me. not grandma. MY GRANDMA. NO. this has to be a nightmare. HAS TO BE. oh my God. not my grandma.
i haven't been the same since. everything stopped. except my mind. it races. constantly. my stress level? let's not even GO there. i can't feel anything. or i feel EVERYTHING. you have officially fucked me up, 2010. i'm just ready for your ass to go. you have overstayed your welcome and i'm completely over you. i can't wait for the day you go away and never ever come back.
but wait.
there are some things i should thank you for. i'd be remiss not to thank you for each day that passes because that means each day i get to wake up and see you getting closer to being gone. also, i should thank you for the people you have brought into my life and the for the people who have STAYED in my life during the bullshit you've brought me to. my people have been my rock. them, and God. but that goes without saying. thank you for introducing me to my new lovers this year. and thank you for the lovers who have been there since day one. i sincerely thank you for all of them. i even thank you for the people who i "thought" were there but ultimately decided to leave for one reason or another...keeps me on my toes and makes me appreciate my Real lovers more and more every day. thank you for allowing me to remain cool, calm, and collected on the outside. even though you got me lookin and feelin like shit on the inside, one would never know it just by looking at me.
you can't take everything muthafucka.
fuck you 2010.
fuck you
and
thank you.
sincerely,
me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
boy meets girl
i am so sleepy.
i want to go to sleep like RIGHT NOW.
however-
i don't wake up early enough to catch oprah when it comes on in the morning, so my nightly routine is to catch the repeat when it comes on at 11pm. tonight the cast of that disturbing show "sister wives" is going to be on and i'm really interested in watching.
judge me.
*shrugs*
so i told myself i wasn't going to post anything tonight because i know how long-winded i can be, and that coupled with me being super sleepy might mean i won't be asleep until Well after oprah goes off if i start now. but- i'm gonna go for it, what the hell?!
story.
boy meets girl. girl should have known boy (seemingly), because girl and boy share many mutual friends. however, girl only knew "of" him, and boy only knew "of" her. one day girl and boy were "formally" introduced, and thus began a friendship in the making. after some time of corresponding and seeing boy around, girl thought: "hey, boy's cute, and he's hella smart and thoughtful..i wonder what his story is". girl developed a crush, but kept it to herself. she ended up telling a few of her close friends at some point though. they thought girl and boy would be super cute together. but girl did not want boy to know...yet. eventually, it became known that boy also had a crush on girl. sweet! (obviously girl and boy do not put age-limits on crushes. ok?) girl and boy continue to communicate, sometimes spend time with one another, etc...seemed like the perfect *fill-in-the-blank*ship in the making. oh but wait.
there was just one thing...boy had a GIRLfriend. yeap, in real life. boy and girl had seemingly developed this perfect little situation in fake life, but in REAL life? nah son. girl knew pretty early on that boy had a GIRLfriend, but girl did not expect to fall in like with boy. she did not anticipate ever having to tell boy how she felt either, *insert sigh here* and surely girl did not expect boy to have feelings for her!
fast forward 2ish months.
boy and girl kind of made out once. just once. no sex though. boy and girl discussed the UNokayness of this make out session and agreed to not do it anymore. they agreed that they could be friends, as they were, sans the "inappropriateness". *cough*. okay fine. girl recognizes the awesomeness of boy, and boy would be outright blind not to see the dopeness of girl, BUT an agreement is an agreement. right?
then things changed.
girl never expected to lose her friend. girl misses boy. she misses the late night texts when she can't sleep (boy has insomnia too, so it was perfect!), she misses the random "hey" in the middle of the day. girl doesn't know what boy is thinking, girl can only speak for herself. she assumes boy still wants to be friends, because he says things sometimes. things that indicate that boy "isn't going anywhere" (direct quote from boy). but girl recognizes the difference in their "friendship" and it hurts girl. girl is sensitive. boy knows a lot about girl because girl has shared a lot with him. she misses her friend. her confidant. but boy has a GIRLfriend, and boy and girl made out one time. and they had an agreement. now boy is kinda gone. he's there, but kinda not. and girl misses boy.
moral of the story: if boy meets girl and boy has GIRLfriend..........RUN!
*insert sneer here*
girl has to go now.
oprah is about to come on.
and girl loves oprah.
i want to go to sleep like RIGHT NOW.
however-
i don't wake up early enough to catch oprah when it comes on in the morning, so my nightly routine is to catch the repeat when it comes on at 11pm. tonight the cast of that disturbing show "sister wives" is going to be on and i'm really interested in watching.
judge me.
*shrugs*
so i told myself i wasn't going to post anything tonight because i know how long-winded i can be, and that coupled with me being super sleepy might mean i won't be asleep until Well after oprah goes off if i start now. but- i'm gonna go for it, what the hell?!
story.
boy meets girl. girl should have known boy (seemingly), because girl and boy share many mutual friends. however, girl only knew "of" him, and boy only knew "of" her. one day girl and boy were "formally" introduced, and thus began a friendship in the making. after some time of corresponding and seeing boy around, girl thought: "hey, boy's cute, and he's hella smart and thoughtful..i wonder what his story is". girl developed a crush, but kept it to herself. she ended up telling a few of her close friends at some point though. they thought girl and boy would be super cute together. but girl did not want boy to know...yet. eventually, it became known that boy also had a crush on girl. sweet! (obviously girl and boy do not put age-limits on crushes. ok?) girl and boy continue to communicate, sometimes spend time with one another, etc...seemed like the perfect *fill-in-the-blank*ship in the making. oh but wait.
there was just one thing...boy had a GIRLfriend. yeap, in real life. boy and girl had seemingly developed this perfect little situation in fake life, but in REAL life? nah son. girl knew pretty early on that boy had a GIRLfriend, but girl did not expect to fall in like with boy. she did not anticipate ever having to tell boy how she felt either, *insert sigh here* and surely girl did not expect boy to have feelings for her!
fast forward 2ish months.
boy and girl kind of made out once. just once. no sex though. boy and girl discussed the UNokayness of this make out session and agreed to not do it anymore. they agreed that they could be friends, as they were, sans the "inappropriateness". *cough*. okay fine. girl recognizes the awesomeness of boy, and boy would be outright blind not to see the dopeness of girl, BUT an agreement is an agreement. right?
then things changed.
girl never expected to lose her friend. girl misses boy. she misses the late night texts when she can't sleep (boy has insomnia too, so it was perfect!), she misses the random "hey" in the middle of the day. girl doesn't know what boy is thinking, girl can only speak for herself. she assumes boy still wants to be friends, because he says things sometimes. things that indicate that boy "isn't going anywhere" (direct quote from boy). but girl recognizes the difference in their "friendship" and it hurts girl. girl is sensitive. boy knows a lot about girl because girl has shared a lot with him. she misses her friend. her confidant. but boy has a GIRLfriend, and boy and girl made out one time. and they had an agreement. now boy is kinda gone. he's there, but kinda not. and girl misses boy.
moral of the story: if boy meets girl and boy has GIRLfriend..........RUN!
*insert sneer here*
girl has to go now.
oprah is about to come on.
and girl loves oprah.
29 before the 29th while i'm still 29.
damn.
i'm about to be like...not in my 20s anymore. when the hell did this happen? i remember being 5 years old, living in the bronx and saying my first cuss word ("bitch") to a little boy who was bothering me on the playground during recess (i think the little twerp pushed me or something). you mean to tell me that was almost 25 years ago? word?
damn damn damn.
um, sooo now what? well...i'm about to be *cough*ahem*emmm*errr*hmph...30. there i said it. i'm about to be 30 years mf'n years old. whew! that's a lot. kinda. ain't it? don't answer that.
well in my 29th year of life, i've learned SO much about myself. oh my goodness. ya'll wanna know what i've learned (so far. 'cause surely i am still learning)? ok. here we go....
1. i'm sensitive. as SHIT. like who knew??? well maybe YA'LL did, but I didn't and i promise if somebody would have described me as "sensitive" 2 years ago, i would've looked at them like they just grew an extra nose.
2. i'm emotional. as SHIT! like cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat emotional. when did THIS happen??? i'm convinced it JUST happened. like last week sometime. ok, not really. but it definitely happened over the past year. DEFINITELY.
3. i love HARD. men, friends, all of the above...*blessing and a curse*
4. i'm scared of commitment! in real life. i love the idea of love, marriage, etc...but the truth is, the shit freaks me out! surprised? yeap i was too, once i finally realized it/admitted it to myself...i'll elaborate on all that in a future post;)
5. i take things personally. a Lot. no bueno. i need to QTIP right? yeah, yeah...i know, i know...
6. i've heard this one once or twice before from other people, but i think i'm finally getting to the point of believing it myself (ESPECIALLY over this past year...whew)--i'm resilient.
7. i am magnetic! (so i've been told...i agree!:)).
8. i like being naked. what?
9. i have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. i don't care How fine you are (*insert name here*). and yes I get to define what "bullshit" means to me. hmph!
10. i do NOT handle stress well. i mean, outwardly? it appears that i roll with the punches as they come. but in real life, in my private time....wheeeeweeee!
11. i am an ASS when it comes to grammatical/spelling errors that are, in my opinion, very OBVIOUS. i hate that. a typo is one thing. if you're intentionally shortening words, or typing in all small letters is one thing (*wink*). but to put "lose" when you mean "loose" or putting the word "an" in front of a word that doesn't start with a vowel??? shoot me now.
12. i'm not one of those "see that's why i don't hang with chics, and have all male friends" chics. i LOVE chics! i love my chic friends, as well as my male friends, and i've learned an abundance from the women in my life. love ya'll chics! :)
13. i give second chances. and third. and sometimes even fourth. *totally working on that* 2 words, 1 name: be**** ha****. never again.
14. my heart is really big. and i totally mean well. more times than not.
>>>>pause: they're playing "have you ever" by brandy right now and i'm kinda freaking out! check my first post<<<<
15. i'm afraid of being "alone". i know that #4 says that i'm scared of commitment. but at the EXACT same time, i'm afraid that i'll end up alone! ain't that some weird, confusing, "typical woman" type shit? yeah, i know...i can't explain it. *shrugs*
16. i don't like for people to be upset with me. i'm GREAT at making it seem like i could give less than a damn if i think someone is upset with me, but the truth is i haaaaaaaaate for people to be mad or upset with me. which brings me to...
17. if there IS a problem, i get super annoyed when people do not TELL ME! arrrrgh! it really grinds my gears! if there is a problem, i may be totally unaware of it, and i would just love to get it out and cleared up, rather than maintaining this silent-ass-weird-awkward "thing". we grown right?
18. i can be SUPER impatient. at the EXACT same time...
19. i can be SUPER patient! ain't that some shit??
**explanation** i get impatient with others when they don't value my time, when it's Clear that there is a sense of urgency on my end. but in real life, why should they care right?? umm...because they're my Friend?? and they Care about Me?? hopefully? eh.
and i know i can be SUPER patient because i mean really- how many people can say they actually spent 17 days (straight) taking down their locs? *raises hand* true story. ya'll remember i used to have locs?? dang.
20. i HATE depending on people but i EXPECT people to depend on me during certain situations. crazy right? that's the social worker in me i guess.
21. i'm finally okay with my physical imperfections. that took me a WHILE! i'm sure partaking in a very liberating, albeit daring (for me) photo session with photographer saddi khali assisted in helping me get to that point. that and just getting "older" and more comfortable with my body. wait, you don't know saddi? google that brother. maybe i need to hold him accountable for my #8! haha.
22. i trust easily...sometimes Too easily.
23. i get close to people easily....again, sometimes Too easily.
24. i will probably love my ex forever. (the last one, not the one halfway mentioned in #13)
25. i love artists- poets, writers, painters, photographers, musicians....love, Love, LOVE them. like, i'm an artist groupie! they're super dope! but the thing that i REALLY love? my real life artist peeps! i love them to bits and pieces, and i think they kinda love me too. haha:)
26. i miiiiiiiiiight be a functional alcoholic. and IF indeed this is the case, i blame my father. (just joking daddy! kinda.)
27. i get me. but i finally understand that not everybody else does. or will. and that's ok.
28. i like writing. kinda love it actually. i didn't know that. or did i? maybe i did and i forgot. i don't know.
29. I'MA LOVER!!!!!!!!! (you HAD to know that was gonna be my 29th one! *sticks out tongue*)
so yeah. that's it. i'm about to be 30. as of october 29, 2010, i will O-fficially be out of my 20s. forever. it's a little depressing. and kinda exciting. and somewhat scary. all at once!! hmm...well, i hope you enjoyed my 29. i won't be 29 for long...
damn.
:-( :-/ :-)
i'm about to be like...not in my 20s anymore. when the hell did this happen? i remember being 5 years old, living in the bronx and saying my first cuss word ("bitch") to a little boy who was bothering me on the playground during recess (i think the little twerp pushed me or something). you mean to tell me that was almost 25 years ago? word?
damn damn damn.
um, sooo now what? well...i'm about to be *cough*ahem*emmm*errr*hmph...30. there i said it. i'm about to be 30 years mf'n years old. whew! that's a lot. kinda. ain't it? don't answer that.
well in my 29th year of life, i've learned SO much about myself. oh my goodness. ya'll wanna know what i've learned (so far. 'cause surely i am still learning)? ok. here we go....
29 things i have learned about myself (in no particular order):
1. i'm sensitive. as SHIT. like who knew??? well maybe YA'LL did, but I didn't and i promise if somebody would have described me as "sensitive" 2 years ago, i would've looked at them like they just grew an extra nose.
2. i'm emotional. as SHIT! like cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat emotional. when did THIS happen??? i'm convinced it JUST happened. like last week sometime. ok, not really. but it definitely happened over the past year. DEFINITELY.
3. i love HARD. men, friends, all of the above...*blessing and a curse*
4. i'm scared of commitment! in real life. i love the idea of love, marriage, etc...but the truth is, the shit freaks me out! surprised? yeap i was too, once i finally realized it/admitted it to myself...i'll elaborate on all that in a future post;)
5. i take things personally. a Lot. no bueno. i need to QTIP right? yeah, yeah...i know, i know...
6. i've heard this one once or twice before from other people, but i think i'm finally getting to the point of believing it myself (ESPECIALLY over this past year...whew)--i'm resilient.
7. i am magnetic! (so i've been told...i agree!:)).
8. i like being naked. what?
9. i have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. i don't care How fine you are (*insert name here*). and yes I get to define what "bullshit" means to me. hmph!
10. i do NOT handle stress well. i mean, outwardly? it appears that i roll with the punches as they come. but in real life, in my private time....wheeeeweeee!
11. i am an ASS when it comes to grammatical/spelling errors that are, in my opinion, very OBVIOUS. i hate that. a typo is one thing. if you're intentionally shortening words, or typing in all small letters is one thing (*wink*). but to put "lose" when you mean "loose" or putting the word "an" in front of a word that doesn't start with a vowel??? shoot me now.
12. i'm not one of those "see that's why i don't hang with chics, and have all male friends" chics. i LOVE chics! i love my chic friends, as well as my male friends, and i've learned an abundance from the women in my life. love ya'll chics! :)
13. i give second chances. and third. and sometimes even fourth. *totally working on that* 2 words, 1 name: be**** ha****. never again.
14. my heart is really big. and i totally mean well. more times than not.
>>>>pause: they're playing "have you ever" by brandy right now and i'm kinda freaking out! check my first post<<<<
15. i'm afraid of being "alone". i know that #4 says that i'm scared of commitment. but at the EXACT same time, i'm afraid that i'll end up alone! ain't that some weird, confusing, "typical woman" type shit? yeah, i know...i can't explain it. *shrugs*
16. i don't like for people to be upset with me. i'm GREAT at making it seem like i could give less than a damn if i think someone is upset with me, but the truth is i haaaaaaaaate for people to be mad or upset with me. which brings me to...
17. if there IS a problem, i get super annoyed when people do not TELL ME! arrrrgh! it really grinds my gears! if there is a problem, i may be totally unaware of it, and i would just love to get it out and cleared up, rather than maintaining this silent-ass-weird-awkward "thing". we grown right?
18. i can be SUPER impatient. at the EXACT same time...
19. i can be SUPER patient! ain't that some shit??
**explanation** i get impatient with others when they don't value my time, when it's Clear that there is a sense of urgency on my end. but in real life, why should they care right?? umm...because they're my Friend?? and they Care about Me?? hopefully? eh.
and i know i can be SUPER patient because i mean really- how many people can say they actually spent 17 days (straight) taking down their locs? *raises hand* true story. ya'll remember i used to have locs?? dang.
20. i HATE depending on people but i EXPECT people to depend on me during certain situations. crazy right? that's the social worker in me i guess.
21. i'm finally okay with my physical imperfections. that took me a WHILE! i'm sure partaking in a very liberating, albeit daring (for me) photo session with photographer saddi khali assisted in helping me get to that point. that and just getting "older" and more comfortable with my body. wait, you don't know saddi? google that brother. maybe i need to hold him accountable for my #8! haha.
22. i trust easily...sometimes Too easily.
23. i get close to people easily....again, sometimes Too easily.
24. i will probably love my ex forever. (the last one, not the one halfway mentioned in #13)
25. i love artists- poets, writers, painters, photographers, musicians....love, Love, LOVE them. like, i'm an artist groupie! they're super dope! but the thing that i REALLY love? my real life artist peeps! i love them to bits and pieces, and i think they kinda love me too. haha:)
26. i miiiiiiiiiight be a functional alcoholic. and IF indeed this is the case, i blame my father. (just joking daddy! kinda.)
27. i get me. but i finally understand that not everybody else does. or will. and that's ok.
28. i like writing. kinda love it actually. i didn't know that. or did i? maybe i did and i forgot. i don't know.
29. I'MA LOVER!!!!!!!!! (you HAD to know that was gonna be my 29th one! *sticks out tongue*)
so yeah. that's it. i'm about to be 30. as of october 29, 2010, i will O-fficially be out of my 20s. forever. it's a little depressing. and kinda exciting. and somewhat scary. all at once!! hmm...well, i hope you enjoyed my 29. i won't be 29 for long...
damn.
:-( :-/ :-)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
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