what's today?

in two days, i will be celebrating my solar return. my bornday. my birthday. whatever you choose to call it.
in two days, i won't be 29 anymore.
i'm not excited.
if you know me, you know that i love birthdays. i mean, i LOOOOOOOVE birthdays. and not just MY birthday, i love everybody's birthday. but this year, i'm just not feeling it at all. i figured as it got closer to my day, i'd get more excited but nope, not at all. this week has especially dimmed my light. what's today again? (*checks calendar*...ok, it's wednesday) it's not even so much that it's because i'm turning "the big 3-0" in two days...it's more about how these past couple weeks have been. last week i left for my "mini-vacay" (i went to indianapolis, louisville, and atlanta), and i just KNEW i'd have a blast, come back feeling good, feeling great, you know all that shit.
false.
quite honestly, it was probably the biggest waste of time ever. don't get me wrong, ALL aspects of my expedition (i like that word) wasn't a total bust, but i just didn't enjoy myself. most of what i remember about the trip was driving and/or riding in a car every damn day. i thought i would come back with loads of good shit to scribble about, but i've come to the conclusion that it's not even worth an entire post. *shrugs*
anyway, what i was saying is that i thought that as a result of my trip, i'd feel renewed, excited, lighthearted, etc...just in time for my birthday.
false.
what i was excited about was coming home, and that's about it.
see, the thing is- i got a lot of shit going on right now. i may or may NOT (this just in) be going to Ghana for my grandmother's funeral in about 2 weeks, and with that whole thing comes a myriad of STUFF within itself.  it's all very overwhelming. but that's only a piece of what i have going on right now. so the reason why i agreed to go on this lil trip was to get away, clear my mind of the clutter and stress, enjoy myself, and come back feeling irie. but instead, not only did the clutter and stress follow me to my destination(s) (literally. i got phone call after phone call about shit that was going on, or NOT going on here that effed me all up), the shit was eagerly awaiting my arrival and sat comfortably in my lap upon my return.
wtf? hell, i coulda stayed at home!
so now here we are, two days before my favorite day of the year (supposedly), and i'm just feeling....blah. i really hope to shake this feeling in time for my "big day". i will be surrounded by friends and family, and though that makes my heart smile, the truth is i'm not excited.
i recognize that i'm blessed.
but i'm not excited.


i got two days.