Dear Future Husband, I Love My Ex.

The majority of us can agree that most of the feelings that we have regarding our exes aren't full of roses and sunshine. Most of us can probably admit that though we've taken away various lessons from our dealings with our exes, it wouldn't have been the end of the world if our paths would have NEVER crossed. Then there's that onnnnnne ex that in the back of your mind, you're thinking, ”wait, why is he my EX???? we should (still) be together!!”....or is that just me? :| 

At any rate, I happen to Love my ex- with a capital ”L”. 

However, I can FINALLY admit that the type of Love that I have for him is no longer the romantic love that I had for him while he and I were together, as well as, for like a year (or more) after we split. The type of love that I have for him now is a genuine love, based on true friendship. He gets me. He helps me. He listens to me and provides suggestions, opinions, and feedback. He asks about my family. He laughs at my corny jokes. He is phenomenal and one of my closest friends. I wondered and prayed and hoped and wished for a looooooong time that he and I could once again have what we once had a few years ago, but it never got back to that. However, I realize that what we have now is even stronger! Again- nothing romantic. Since the split, we've seen each other multiple times. Actually, we've seen each other EVERY time he's come home to visit, and never have we Ever done the "do", though we defffffffinitely had opportunities to do it if we wanted it to go down. 
The thing, though, is that the respect and Love that we have for each other as FRIENDS supersedes any other type of relationship that we once shared. 

 So, with that said- dear future husband? Listen. I need you to understand something: 
 I Love my Ex. And I always will. 

 xo.

Dating 101

I have questions.

I need answers.

first off, how does dating REALLY work? is there more than one way to do it? is there a "right" way or a "wrong" way? what are the "no-no's" and what are the "must-do's"?

for real!

a running joke that i have with some of my gfs is that i don't have a problem GETTIN 'em; it's KEEPIN 'em that's the problem. 

-______-

so how does one go from gettin 'em TO keepin 'em? ya'll- let me know SOMEthin, because apparently, yours truly has been following the wrong directions, and i'm lost than a mofo.

let me be clear, i realize that there are some SELF things that has caused the demise of some of my past potential relationships. there's no denying that. but i also know that i know what i want, i know what i will and what i won't tolerate, and i know what i expect from a person that calls themselves being interested in me. 

with that being said:

• is there a such thing as being "too picky"?
• is it unreasonable for me to lose interest if all of my needs aren't being met? (or MOST of them, at least?)
• what is a realistic time frame for one to know whether or not it's going anywhere? IS there a realistic time frame?
• how important is it to make your "expectations" (for lack of a better word), known, and/or find out what theirs are? i.e. if you know you're looking for something long-term, is there an appropriate time to make that known? is there an appropriate time to then ask what theirs are? or is that putting you at risk of scaring the other person off?

bottom line: i'm not here to waste my time, or anyone else's. i'm not here for anyone to waste my time either. however, i realize that patience is a virtue, and have worked diligently on being patient with others, and especially with myself. 

i gotta whooooooooooooooole lotta love to give, but i'm not trying to give it to the wrong person (again).

talk to me! 

It's Been a Long Time, I Shouldn'tna Left You...

HI.

It's been a while. More like 2 years and 12 days to be exact. 

Something like that. 

Anyway, there are SO many reasons why I left for so long; reasons that do not necessarily need to be addressed- right now. 

But I'm back now, and I'm moving Forward. Onward. Upward.

So with that said:

What's been going on? 

What's up? 

How're things? 

If I were being asked these questions, this is how I'd answer:

1. Nothing and Everything has been going on- at the same damn time.
2. The sky and the ceiling- how YOU feeling?! Ha.
3. Things are good. As a matter of fact, things are GREAT. Everything is not ALL right, but everything is allllriiiiiight. I'm happier now than I've been in QUITE some time, and I look forward for things to continue to go well. I look forward to positive changes being made in EVERY aspect of my life, and I look forward to the journey. I also look forward to you coming along for the journey, (if you're interested!;)).

Over the past two years, I experienced a lot and I learned a lot. I've been tested like a MUHFUCKA, but I've also been BLESSED beyond belief. 

So, sure there are things that I can sit here and complain about, but what good would that do?? I'd rather focus on living, and LOVING, and being LOVED, and being a blessing, and being blessed, and eating, and drAnking, and everything else in between. I'm not saying I won't have my "moments"- of course I will! 

But I'm gon' try to make those "moments" few and far between if I can help it!

I'm glad to be scribblin again, and hopefully, ya'll will enjoy getting back to reading my scribbles! :) 

Holler!

see ya when i see ya..

in 2 days i am going be leaving america and heading to Africa to see my mama. i haven't seen her in almost a year! my mama lives in Ghana now, along with my little brothers, whom i also haven't seen in almost a year. i'm SO excited. i am NOT excited about what takes me to Ghana....grandma's funeral.
love and miss that lady so much..

but i'm very excited to see my family. WHEW! talk about bittersweet.

man, i've missed my mama (and my brothers) TOO much, and i canNOT wait to see her (them).

xo



"it's ONLY twitter!!"....or is it?

welcome lovers.

get ready to have your feathers ruffled. because i'm bout to go IN. this should be good.

twitter, twitter, twitter...i like twitter. it's cool. it's random as HELL. but i enjoy random. i AM random, so for me it's cool. i'm a recovered facebook junkie (admittedly), but since i've been off of facebook for 9 months, i've gotten to know twitter a lot better. at first i thought it was dumb, stupid, and basically just modern-day stalking. why would i want to "follow" anyone? why would i want anyone to "follow" me? in real life, that's stalking ain't it? kinda. but after becoming more familiar with it, i came to appreciate the "freeness", "randomness", and "unpredictability" of twitter. i used quotes because depending on how you define each one of the aforementioned in regards to twitter, or depending on what YOU use twitter for, those descriptions could be up for debate.

but because this is MY scribble, i will use those three words to describe MY experience(s) on twitter, as reasons why I appreciate or enjoy it.

but clearly, CLEAR-LY, i missed some things. i didn't attend the university of twitterland, or major in twitter 101 so i'm okay with the fact that i may not be THEEEE twitter expert. but maybe i'll get lucky and one or two twitter experts will read this, and as my girl cakes (check her out at: http://amandafurdge.blogspot.com/) would say, ya'll can "learn me something".

here's what i missed:

i missed the part where being a twitter THUG was cool.

and,

i missed the part where expressing how you felt, was not okay.

and,

i missed the part where twitter BALLS was ok, but in person or via other forms of communication (i.e. text, bbm, phone) you bout as quiet as a church mouse (or you're just a different person altogether). 

yeah, i missed all of that.

twitter thugs.

please help me understand why it's okay for you to get on twitter and start going completely crazy- like nuts- like psycho- towards another individual. it's one thing to get on twitter to vent about your bad day, release your frustrations about a fucked up situation, rant about an issue you're passionate about etc...i do it allllllllll the time and i DARE you to say that YOU have NEVER done it. not even ONE time. i dare you.

HOWEVER, the moment you get on twitter because you're SO mad and begin "@ing" folks for the SOLE purpose to create drama? the moment you go on there and start bringing other people who have NOTHING to do with you and the other person's situation into yours by "@ing" random individuals? the moment you feel it SO necessary to be disrespectful, petty, and insulting to another person that you may have an issue with via TWITTER? that's when i put you in the "twitter thug" category. let me pause here and say, this particular example that i am referencing is not a situation that happened to me. i will give the person that it DID happen to the respect of blogging about the details of the situation herself if she chooses to. my purpose in including it in this post, however, is because i feel like maybe this is one of those twitter "things" that i missed. like is this ok? i mean, hell. if it is, let a sista know. not that i will become a twitter thug nor will i begin to understand, accept, or condone twitter thuggery because seriously- why? we grown right? if it's THAT deep- if you THAT angry at 'em (not to be confused with @'em-HA!)- if you feel THAT compelled to be THAT immature- you don't need to be on no damn twitter. you might need a counseling session to address the issues you have towards that person. if it's THAT deep. not feeling the twitter thuggery folks.

i'm gonna move on......

is it not okay to say how you feel on twitter?

isn't that the point of twitter??? wait. what IS the point of twitter? for ME, twitter is an open forum to be as free, random, and unpredictable as you want. i mean hell, all you're REALLY doing is updating your status' all day. letting people know where you are, how you're doing, what you're doing, how you feel about a situation, etc...it's random as hell.
*pause* let me provide some clarification because the last thing i want to do is come off as contradictory. above, i explained how i feel it's unnecessary to go on twitter being a complete asshole toward another person because you're just THAT mad at them. my stance is that "@ing" an individual with foolishness because you're that angry, petty, or need the drama is senseless to me. right? okay. to me that's VERY different than going on twitter to express WHATEVER it is you feel like expressing--whether that includes how YOU'RE feeling, an epiphany YOU'VE had, what YOU bought at the store today, whatever YOU want. the difference is making it more about YOU, and less about another individual--IF you're gonna be nasty and mean towards them. if that's the case, there are several other ways to contact THAT person DIRECTLY as to reduce twitter thuggery. yes?

*unpause* obviously, when people get on twitter and tweet XYandZ- the inspiration may be BECAUSE of another person, or because of a situation that they find themselves in with another person. i get that. and i don't see anything wrong with that. if you are in a reflective state of mind, and choose to tweet about what you're reflecting upon based on someone else, or based on a situation you're in with someone- i say go for it. once it turns into some ol' "you suck as a person and you should go straight to hell @chocodiko" though....?
ummmmmmmm. c'mon son.

there's this "thing"--"subtweeting" that people get sooooo riled up about on twitter. it's so funny to me! i'm pretty sure if you're reading this blog, you're on twitter, and if you're on twitter, you know what "subtweeting" is. but in the event you're not on twitter and/or have no idea what "subtweeting" is, it's okay i'll help you out. basically it stands for "subliminal tweeting". it's tweeting about or in reference to a person without "mentioning" or "@ing" that individual directly (randomly pulled twitter example: "you're interesting, you know").

but please. allow me to entertain this "subtweeting" concept for a lil bit.

are you (we) so self-indulgent, self-centered, and egoistical that we think that any and every tweet that is not about the weather, a pair of shoes, Jesus, what was for lunch today, or my favorite tv show is about YOU?? seriously? are you so vain that because someone posted a tweet that MIGHT have struck a nerve, you feel it's about you or one of your other followers? really?

at the EXACT same time, riddle me this. who DOESN'T subtweet?? who has gone on twitter EVERY single time and with EVERY single tweet that you've EVER tweeted have NEVER had ANYONE in mind? EVER?

read that again slow. i'll wait.

exactly.

lovers. let us not be so self-righteous that you (we) go criticizing, judging, and scrutinizing people's tweets and timelines that very well MAY be general, and be so quick to deem them "subtweets". especially, when you do it everyday. meanwhile, don't ASSUME that every tweet that's not talking about the latest news, video, or celebrity is a subtweet. things happen DAILY in people's lives based on experiences with other people or just life shit that prompts them to log on to twitter.com and begin tweeting. the shit is random as hell, let's face it. obviously, everyone is not going to be interested in the random thoughts that escape the mind and enter the computer screen (or iphone app, or droid app, or blackberry app or whatever). but i'm here to let you in on a little secret because i love you.

i know what the BEST thing about twitter is and i'm going to tell you. you ready? wait for it.................................

THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON.

if you don't like what someone has to say, or if you feel as though you or someone you know and love is "subtweeting" and it just grinds your gears, or if you simply could care less about that person in real life--what the hell you following them for?

creeper.

moving on.....

would you say that in person?

alright so then there are the lovers that will wil' out on you on twitter--well ATTEMPT to anyway- yet become a whoooooooooole 'notha person IN person. or on the phone (text, bbm, whatever).

examples:

(via twitter) "your problem is mentally...big bolts and screws missing...i love problems, you don't know....you don't want no problems, etc...." (compilation of tweets)

 (via other form of communication) "love ya sleep ok .eyes closed......or you want me to come put you to sleep since i can't sleep......nite. i'll be up if you change your mind." (compilation of bbms).

hmmmm.....interesting much, aye?

look holmes, if you gon' get on twitter, and be reckless by the mouth- PLEASE do not get on the phone less than 24 hours later with THIS shit. what the HELL? did your crazy ass not JUST attempt to go in on twitter? how is it then that you are now on my main line with THIS?

don't do me fool.

the two examples of fuckery are clearly polar opposites, yeah? yeah. however, the above examples were written by the same author with hours of one another.

please lovers--if you know good and damn well you're going to post some shit on twitter that is CONTRARY to what you will say/text/bbm to an individual, just don't do it. or did i miss the part where that's ok? learn me something ya'll.

************************

the point of me scribbling about this is simple. it's MY scribble and i do what i want!! lol, just joking.

really though, today is ONLY wednesday, but since sunday the amount of twitter tomfoolery that has occurred really got me trippin!

• worrrrrd twitter thug? you just gon' go HARD on twitter towards a person and bring all 12 of your followers in it just to create drama? wow, ok. you bad!
• worrrrrrrd self-righteous, self-proclaimed "high and mighty" individual(s) who THINK tweets are subliminal? whether MY tweets, retweets, posts, LIFE is random, subliminal, general, or not--they're MINE. if i ain't hurting nobody, if i ain't hurting YOU- what do YOU care? why do YOU care? who are YOU? *whispers loudly*---->UNFOLLOW.
• twitter balls son? worrrrrrrrrrrd? simply put- if you gon' say/do one thing on twitter, then when you see me in the streets, or when you communicate with me via other forums, your language is TOTALLY different (opposite, even?)--spare me. *cues music* "he's phony, she's fake thats the type of people I hate...." (c)Jadakiss.

again lovers, i'm no twitter expert. i love social networking as a whole, and whether you use it to stay in touch with your friends, whether you use it as an "online journal", whether you use it to make money, whatever you use it for--i think it's great.

but once you start using it as a way to openly harrass people by bullying or threatening them because you wanna be a "twitter thug"; or you feel some type of way and judge others based on their tweets and fail to utilitze that nice little UNFOLLOW button that's right there at your disposal; or feel like you have something to prove, therefore obtaining a "twitter personality" versus a "real life personality"--maybe you need to re-evaluate your purpose for being on twitter. 

if you can't be/stay true to YOURSELF whether you're tweetin or talkin, then i'ma need for you to do some self-evaluations my friend. after all, it's ONLY twitter!!!!!

holler.

what's today?

in two days, i will be celebrating my solar return. my bornday. my birthday. whatever you choose to call it.
in two days, i won't be 29 anymore.
i'm not excited.
if you know me, you know that i love birthdays. i mean, i LOOOOOOOVE birthdays. and not just MY birthday, i love everybody's birthday. but this year, i'm just not feeling it at all. i figured as it got closer to my day, i'd get more excited but nope, not at all. this week has especially dimmed my light. what's today again? (*checks calendar*...ok, it's wednesday) it's not even so much that it's because i'm turning "the big 3-0" in two days...it's more about how these past couple weeks have been. last week i left for my "mini-vacay" (i went to indianapolis, louisville, and atlanta), and i just KNEW i'd have a blast, come back feeling good, feeling great, you know all that shit.
false.
quite honestly, it was probably the biggest waste of time ever. don't get me wrong, ALL aspects of my expedition (i like that word) wasn't a total bust, but i just didn't enjoy myself. most of what i remember about the trip was driving and/or riding in a car every damn day. i thought i would come back with loads of good shit to scribble about, but i've come to the conclusion that it's not even worth an entire post. *shrugs*
anyway, what i was saying is that i thought that as a result of my trip, i'd feel renewed, excited, lighthearted, etc...just in time for my birthday.
false.
what i was excited about was coming home, and that's about it.
see, the thing is- i got a lot of shit going on right now. i may or may NOT (this just in) be going to Ghana for my grandmother's funeral in about 2 weeks, and with that whole thing comes a myriad of STUFF within itself.  it's all very overwhelming. but that's only a piece of what i have going on right now. so the reason why i agreed to go on this lil trip was to get away, clear my mind of the clutter and stress, enjoy myself, and come back feeling irie. but instead, not only did the clutter and stress follow me to my destination(s) (literally. i got phone call after phone call about shit that was going on, or NOT going on here that effed me all up), the shit was eagerly awaiting my arrival and sat comfortably in my lap upon my return.
wtf? hell, i coulda stayed at home!
so now here we are, two days before my favorite day of the year (supposedly), and i'm just feeling....blah. i really hope to shake this feeling in time for my "big day". i will be surrounded by friends and family, and though that makes my heart smile, the truth is i'm not excited.
i recognize that i'm blessed.
but i'm not excited.


i got two days.

i pray....

i pray for my

grandmother. who is restin.
sister. who is stressin.
mother. who is worryin.
father. who is hustlin.
brothers. who are missin.
brother. who is grindin.
cousins. who are strugglin.
friend. who is cryin.
ex. who is forgettin.
lovers. who are lovin.
people. who are readin.
homies. who are survivin.

and self.
who is all of the above.

amen.