see ya when i see ya..

in 2 days i am going be leaving america and heading to Africa to see my mama. i haven't seen her in almost a year! my mama lives in Ghana now, along with my little brothers, whom i also haven't seen in almost a year. i'm SO excited. i am NOT excited about what takes me to Ghana....grandma's funeral.
love and miss that lady so much..

but i'm very excited to see my family. WHEW! talk about bittersweet.

man, i've missed my mama (and my brothers) TOO much, and i canNOT wait to see her (them).

xo



"it's ONLY twitter!!"....or is it?

welcome lovers.

get ready to have your feathers ruffled. because i'm bout to go IN. this should be good.

twitter, twitter, twitter...i like twitter. it's cool. it's random as HELL. but i enjoy random. i AM random, so for me it's cool. i'm a recovered facebook junkie (admittedly), but since i've been off of facebook for 9 months, i've gotten to know twitter a lot better. at first i thought it was dumb, stupid, and basically just modern-day stalking. why would i want to "follow" anyone? why would i want anyone to "follow" me? in real life, that's stalking ain't it? kinda. but after becoming more familiar with it, i came to appreciate the "freeness", "randomness", and "unpredictability" of twitter. i used quotes because depending on how you define each one of the aforementioned in regards to twitter, or depending on what YOU use twitter for, those descriptions could be up for debate.

but because this is MY scribble, i will use those three words to describe MY experience(s) on twitter, as reasons why I appreciate or enjoy it.

but clearly, CLEAR-LY, i missed some things. i didn't attend the university of twitterland, or major in twitter 101 so i'm okay with the fact that i may not be THEEEE twitter expert. but maybe i'll get lucky and one or two twitter experts will read this, and as my girl cakes (check her out at: http://amandafurdge.blogspot.com/) would say, ya'll can "learn me something".

here's what i missed:

i missed the part where being a twitter THUG was cool.

and,

i missed the part where expressing how you felt, was not okay.

and,

i missed the part where twitter BALLS was ok, but in person or via other forms of communication (i.e. text, bbm, phone) you bout as quiet as a church mouse (or you're just a different person altogether). 

yeah, i missed all of that.

twitter thugs.

please help me understand why it's okay for you to get on twitter and start going completely crazy- like nuts- like psycho- towards another individual. it's one thing to get on twitter to vent about your bad day, release your frustrations about a fucked up situation, rant about an issue you're passionate about etc...i do it allllllllll the time and i DARE you to say that YOU have NEVER done it. not even ONE time. i dare you.

HOWEVER, the moment you get on twitter because you're SO mad and begin "@ing" folks for the SOLE purpose to create drama? the moment you go on there and start bringing other people who have NOTHING to do with you and the other person's situation into yours by "@ing" random individuals? the moment you feel it SO necessary to be disrespectful, petty, and insulting to another person that you may have an issue with via TWITTER? that's when i put you in the "twitter thug" category. let me pause here and say, this particular example that i am referencing is not a situation that happened to me. i will give the person that it DID happen to the respect of blogging about the details of the situation herself if she chooses to. my purpose in including it in this post, however, is because i feel like maybe this is one of those twitter "things" that i missed. like is this ok? i mean, hell. if it is, let a sista know. not that i will become a twitter thug nor will i begin to understand, accept, or condone twitter thuggery because seriously- why? we grown right? if it's THAT deep- if you THAT angry at 'em (not to be confused with @'em-HA!)- if you feel THAT compelled to be THAT immature- you don't need to be on no damn twitter. you might need a counseling session to address the issues you have towards that person. if it's THAT deep. not feeling the twitter thuggery folks.

i'm gonna move on......

is it not okay to say how you feel on twitter?

isn't that the point of twitter??? wait. what IS the point of twitter? for ME, twitter is an open forum to be as free, random, and unpredictable as you want. i mean hell, all you're REALLY doing is updating your status' all day. letting people know where you are, how you're doing, what you're doing, how you feel about a situation, etc...it's random as hell.
*pause* let me provide some clarification because the last thing i want to do is come off as contradictory. above, i explained how i feel it's unnecessary to go on twitter being a complete asshole toward another person because you're just THAT mad at them. my stance is that "@ing" an individual with foolishness because you're that angry, petty, or need the drama is senseless to me. right? okay. to me that's VERY different than going on twitter to express WHATEVER it is you feel like expressing--whether that includes how YOU'RE feeling, an epiphany YOU'VE had, what YOU bought at the store today, whatever YOU want. the difference is making it more about YOU, and less about another individual--IF you're gonna be nasty and mean towards them. if that's the case, there are several other ways to contact THAT person DIRECTLY as to reduce twitter thuggery. yes?

*unpause* obviously, when people get on twitter and tweet XYandZ- the inspiration may be BECAUSE of another person, or because of a situation that they find themselves in with another person. i get that. and i don't see anything wrong with that. if you are in a reflective state of mind, and choose to tweet about what you're reflecting upon based on someone else, or based on a situation you're in with someone- i say go for it. once it turns into some ol' "you suck as a person and you should go straight to hell @chocodiko" though....?
ummmmmmmm. c'mon son.

there's this "thing"--"subtweeting" that people get sooooo riled up about on twitter. it's so funny to me! i'm pretty sure if you're reading this blog, you're on twitter, and if you're on twitter, you know what "subtweeting" is. but in the event you're not on twitter and/or have no idea what "subtweeting" is, it's okay i'll help you out. basically it stands for "subliminal tweeting". it's tweeting about or in reference to a person without "mentioning" or "@ing" that individual directly (randomly pulled twitter example: "you're interesting, you know").

but please. allow me to entertain this "subtweeting" concept for a lil bit.

are you (we) so self-indulgent, self-centered, and egoistical that we think that any and every tweet that is not about the weather, a pair of shoes, Jesus, what was for lunch today, or my favorite tv show is about YOU?? seriously? are you so vain that because someone posted a tweet that MIGHT have struck a nerve, you feel it's about you or one of your other followers? really?

at the EXACT same time, riddle me this. who DOESN'T subtweet?? who has gone on twitter EVERY single time and with EVERY single tweet that you've EVER tweeted have NEVER had ANYONE in mind? EVER?

read that again slow. i'll wait.

exactly.

lovers. let us not be so self-righteous that you (we) go criticizing, judging, and scrutinizing people's tweets and timelines that very well MAY be general, and be so quick to deem them "subtweets". especially, when you do it everyday. meanwhile, don't ASSUME that every tweet that's not talking about the latest news, video, or celebrity is a subtweet. things happen DAILY in people's lives based on experiences with other people or just life shit that prompts them to log on to twitter.com and begin tweeting. the shit is random as hell, let's face it. obviously, everyone is not going to be interested in the random thoughts that escape the mind and enter the computer screen (or iphone app, or droid app, or blackberry app or whatever). but i'm here to let you in on a little secret because i love you.

i know what the BEST thing about twitter is and i'm going to tell you. you ready? wait for it.................................

THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON.

if you don't like what someone has to say, or if you feel as though you or someone you know and love is "subtweeting" and it just grinds your gears, or if you simply could care less about that person in real life--what the hell you following them for?

creeper.

moving on.....

would you say that in person?

alright so then there are the lovers that will wil' out on you on twitter--well ATTEMPT to anyway- yet become a whoooooooooole 'notha person IN person. or on the phone (text, bbm, whatever).

examples:

(via twitter) "your problem is mentally...big bolts and screws missing...i love problems, you don't know....you don't want no problems, etc...." (compilation of tweets)

 (via other form of communication) "love ya sleep ok .eyes closed......or you want me to come put you to sleep since i can't sleep......nite. i'll be up if you change your mind." (compilation of bbms).

hmmmm.....interesting much, aye?

look holmes, if you gon' get on twitter, and be reckless by the mouth- PLEASE do not get on the phone less than 24 hours later with THIS shit. what the HELL? did your crazy ass not JUST attempt to go in on twitter? how is it then that you are now on my main line with THIS?

don't do me fool.

the two examples of fuckery are clearly polar opposites, yeah? yeah. however, the above examples were written by the same author with hours of one another.

please lovers--if you know good and damn well you're going to post some shit on twitter that is CONTRARY to what you will say/text/bbm to an individual, just don't do it. or did i miss the part where that's ok? learn me something ya'll.

************************

the point of me scribbling about this is simple. it's MY scribble and i do what i want!! lol, just joking.

really though, today is ONLY wednesday, but since sunday the amount of twitter tomfoolery that has occurred really got me trippin!

• worrrrrd twitter thug? you just gon' go HARD on twitter towards a person and bring all 12 of your followers in it just to create drama? wow, ok. you bad!
• worrrrrrrd self-righteous, self-proclaimed "high and mighty" individual(s) who THINK tweets are subliminal? whether MY tweets, retweets, posts, LIFE is random, subliminal, general, or not--they're MINE. if i ain't hurting nobody, if i ain't hurting YOU- what do YOU care? why do YOU care? who are YOU? *whispers loudly*---->UNFOLLOW.
• twitter balls son? worrrrrrrrrrrd? simply put- if you gon' say/do one thing on twitter, then when you see me in the streets, or when you communicate with me via other forums, your language is TOTALLY different (opposite, even?)--spare me. *cues music* "he's phony, she's fake thats the type of people I hate...." (c)Jadakiss.

again lovers, i'm no twitter expert. i love social networking as a whole, and whether you use it to stay in touch with your friends, whether you use it as an "online journal", whether you use it to make money, whatever you use it for--i think it's great.

but once you start using it as a way to openly harrass people by bullying or threatening them because you wanna be a "twitter thug"; or you feel some type of way and judge others based on their tweets and fail to utilitze that nice little UNFOLLOW button that's right there at your disposal; or feel like you have something to prove, therefore obtaining a "twitter personality" versus a "real life personality"--maybe you need to re-evaluate your purpose for being on twitter. 

if you can't be/stay true to YOURSELF whether you're tweetin or talkin, then i'ma need for you to do some self-evaluations my friend. after all, it's ONLY twitter!!!!!

holler.

what's today?

in two days, i will be celebrating my solar return. my bornday. my birthday. whatever you choose to call it.
in two days, i won't be 29 anymore.
i'm not excited.
if you know me, you know that i love birthdays. i mean, i LOOOOOOOVE birthdays. and not just MY birthday, i love everybody's birthday. but this year, i'm just not feeling it at all. i figured as it got closer to my day, i'd get more excited but nope, not at all. this week has especially dimmed my light. what's today again? (*checks calendar*...ok, it's wednesday) it's not even so much that it's because i'm turning "the big 3-0" in two days...it's more about how these past couple weeks have been. last week i left for my "mini-vacay" (i went to indianapolis, louisville, and atlanta), and i just KNEW i'd have a blast, come back feeling good, feeling great, you know all that shit.
false.
quite honestly, it was probably the biggest waste of time ever. don't get me wrong, ALL aspects of my expedition (i like that word) wasn't a total bust, but i just didn't enjoy myself. most of what i remember about the trip was driving and/or riding in a car every damn day. i thought i would come back with loads of good shit to scribble about, but i've come to the conclusion that it's not even worth an entire post. *shrugs*
anyway, what i was saying is that i thought that as a result of my trip, i'd feel renewed, excited, lighthearted, etc...just in time for my birthday.
false.
what i was excited about was coming home, and that's about it.
see, the thing is- i got a lot of shit going on right now. i may or may NOT (this just in) be going to Ghana for my grandmother's funeral in about 2 weeks, and with that whole thing comes a myriad of STUFF within itself.  it's all very overwhelming. but that's only a piece of what i have going on right now. so the reason why i agreed to go on this lil trip was to get away, clear my mind of the clutter and stress, enjoy myself, and come back feeling irie. but instead, not only did the clutter and stress follow me to my destination(s) (literally. i got phone call after phone call about shit that was going on, or NOT going on here that effed me all up), the shit was eagerly awaiting my arrival and sat comfortably in my lap upon my return.
wtf? hell, i coulda stayed at home!
so now here we are, two days before my favorite day of the year (supposedly), and i'm just feeling....blah. i really hope to shake this feeling in time for my "big day". i will be surrounded by friends and family, and though that makes my heart smile, the truth is i'm not excited.
i recognize that i'm blessed.
but i'm not excited.


i got two days.

i pray....

i pray for my

grandmother. who is restin.
sister. who is stressin.
mother. who is worryin.
father. who is hustlin.
brothers. who are missin.
brother. who is grindin.
cousins. who are strugglin.
friend. who is cryin.
ex. who is forgettin.
lovers. who are lovin.
people. who are readin.
homies. who are survivin.

and self.
who is all of the above.

amen.

sometimes?

sometimes i cry. eric benet. as depressing as this song is--i LOVE it.

anyway. 
me? i cry ALL the time.

matter of fact, i JUST got through crying. this evening/night took a weird turn. i won't get into all the details, because to be quite honest, they're irrelevant. (in real life though? i DO details--irrelevant or not;)).

but in short- earlier i was feeling irie, just chillin you know? one of my best girlfriends has (or is it have? i really do not know. imagine that!) been going through some things, and we had been communicating all day about it and i was being that good, supportive friend that i only know how to be (hopefully). another girlfriend of mine and i had decided we were gonna hit the streets tonight. just because. but then she ended up feeling sick, so that didn't happen and honestly that was totally okay. you have to take care of you first.
it was ESpecially okay because somewhere in between all of that, I started feeling some type of way. like sad. or alone. or something. but i don't REALLY know why. i mean, i had started thinking about "stuff"--just life stuff and i guess it kind of got me down. i started thinking about my current situation, "him", my grandmother...just a whole bunch of STUFF. stuff that i really cannot control, to be honest. stuff that my numerous glasses of sangria cannot and will not take away...just STUFF. then i started to cry. (it don't take much nowadays folks). weird right? i can't explain it. then i started tweeting real "deep" "abstract" "only makes sense to me" type stuff....weird.

i have a friend. he's not a "frieeeeeeend friend" but you know, he's a 'friend'. we've been friends for a REALLY long time, so i reached out to him because that's who i wanted at that point and time while i was going through my weird, unexplainable "stuff". but he was unavailable. (point of clarification: it wasn't "boy" and if you've read "boy meets girl" already, then you know the significance of "boy". and if you have not read "boy meets girl", then read it!). anyway so "friend" doesn't live here (in chicago), i reached out via telephone. and that mofo was STILL unavailable (didn't answer, didn't text back), so he was like for REAL unavailable. i was disappointed and sad, and thus started to cry harder and drink more.
>>people have lives chic *reprimand to self*<<

ok so i've suddenly forgotten the point of this post. honestly.
hmmm...weird.
but i kinda feel better.

okay, so eric benet cries sometimes. i  cry ALL the time. i wanted to talk to my friend. and i miss "him" ("him" equals the ex, not my friend and friend is not "boy". did i lose you? hope not.), and that's all i really remember thinking when i started this post. sorry folks.

no more sangria.

dear 2010, fuck you.

dear 2010,

i'm just gonna keep it real. i hate you. you ain't shit. you've taken my job from me, my money, my surburban apartment, my man/best friend, my grandmother, my peace of mind, my motivation! and in about a week and a half, you even gon' take my 20s from me! i mean damn. why have you been so cruel? what's the beef? i can remember late in 2009 when i was looking forward to seeing you. i was ready to welcome you with all my heart and even participated in quoting the cheesy phrase "ready to get it in, in 2010" (don't judge me). then you got here, and fucked me allllll up.
you started out real cool though! i can remember the day you came. me and my man (the one you took from me) were at church, and were so happy to see you! we sang, danced, clapped, and prayed for your arrival. we thanked you for coming. we had such high hopes for you. I had such high hopes for you. then you got comfortable. you brought HELL on my job. then came the rumors of the lay-off. then the rumors became TRUE! what the hell??? what you expect me to do LAID-OFF?? wow. okay, so of course that's gonna affect my money. which means i have to leave the apartment that i have grown to love, and go somewhere "cheaper". had to think quick. then came the problems with me and him. him. HE was supposed to be my husband (per me). but shit happens and shit happened. damn. he was my best friend. i still miss him.
so i find a place, i move, i'm unpacking, i'm starting to have a little bit of fun, meet some cool people, hang out with my fam....then the phone call comes. "something horrible has happened. it's grandma......" no. you're kidding me. not grandma. MY GRANDMA. NO. this has to be a nightmare. HAS TO BE. oh my God. not my grandma.
i haven't been the same since. everything stopped. except my mind. it races. constantly. my stress level? let's not even GO there. i can't feel anything. or i feel EVERYTHING. you have officially fucked me up, 2010. i'm just ready for your ass to go. you have overstayed your welcome and i'm completely over you. i can't wait for the day you go away and never ever come back.

but wait.

there are some things i should thank you for. i'd be remiss not to thank you for each day that passes because that means each day i get to wake up and see you getting closer to being gone. also, i should thank you for the people you have brought into my life and the for the people who have STAYED in my life during the bullshit you've brought me to. my people have been my rock. them, and God. but that goes without saying. thank you for introducing me to my new lovers this year. and thank you for the lovers who have been there since day one. i sincerely thank you for all of them. i even thank you for the people who i "thought" were there but ultimately decided to leave for one reason or another...keeps me on my toes and makes me appreciate my Real lovers more and more every day. thank you for allowing me to remain cool, calm, and collected on the outside. even though you got me lookin and feelin like shit on the inside, one would never know it just by looking at me.
you can't take everything muthafucka.

fuck you 2010.

fuck you
and
thank you.

sincerely,
me.

boy meets girl

i am so sleepy.
i want to go to sleep like RIGHT NOW.
however-
i don't wake up early enough to catch oprah when it comes on in the morning, so my nightly routine is to catch the repeat when it comes on at 11pm. tonight the cast of that disturbing show "sister wives" is going to be on and i'm really interested in watching.
judge me.
*shrugs*

so i told myself i wasn't going to post anything tonight because i know how long-winded i can be, and that coupled with me being super sleepy might mean i won't be asleep until Well after oprah goes off if i start now. but- i'm gonna go for it, what the hell?!

story.

boy meets girl. girl should have known boy (seemingly), because girl and boy share many mutual friends. however, girl only knew "of" him, and boy only knew "of" her. one day girl and boy were "formally" introduced, and thus began a friendship in the making. after some time of corresponding and seeing boy around, girl thought: "hey, boy's cute, and he's hella smart and thoughtful..i wonder what his story is". girl developed a crush, but kept it to herself. she ended up telling a few of her close friends at some point though. they thought girl and boy would be super cute together. but girl did not want boy to know...yet. eventually, it became known that boy also had a crush on girl. sweet! (obviously girl and boy do not put age-limits on crushes. ok?) girl and boy continue to communicate, sometimes spend time with one another, etc...seemed like the perfect *fill-in-the-blank*ship in the making. oh but wait.
there was just one thing...boy had a GIRLfriend. yeap, in real life. boy and girl had seemingly developed this perfect little situation in fake life, but in REAL life? nah son. girl knew pretty early on that boy had a GIRLfriend, but girl did not expect to fall in like with boy. she did not anticipate ever having to tell boy how she felt either, *insert sigh here* and surely girl did not expect boy to have feelings for her!

fast forward 2ish months.

boy and girl kind of made out once. just once. no sex though. boy and girl discussed the UNokayness of this make out session and agreed to not do it anymore. they agreed that they could be friends, as they were, sans the "inappropriateness". *cough*. okay fine. girl recognizes the awesomeness of boy, and boy would be outright blind not to see the dopeness of girl, BUT an agreement is an agreement. right?

then things changed.

girl never expected to lose her friend. girl misses boy. she misses the late night texts when she can't sleep (boy has insomnia too, so it was perfect!), she misses the random "hey" in the middle of the day. girl doesn't know what boy is thinking, girl can only speak for herself. she assumes boy still wants to be friends, because he says things sometimes. things that indicate that boy "isn't going anywhere" (direct quote from boy). but girl recognizes the difference in their "friendship" and it hurts girl. girl is sensitive. boy knows a lot about girl because girl has shared a lot with him. she misses her friend. her confidant. but boy has a GIRLfriend, and boy and girl made out one time. and they had an agreement. now boy is kinda gone. he's there, but kinda not. and girl misses boy.

moral of the story: if boy meets girl and boy has GIRLfriend..........RUN!

*insert sneer here*

girl has to go now.
oprah is about to come on.
and girl loves oprah.

29 before the 29th while i'm still 29.

damn.


i'm about to be like...not in my 20s anymore. when the hell did this happen? i remember being 5 years old, living in the bronx and saying my first cuss word ("bitch") to a little boy who was bothering me on the playground during recess (i think the little twerp pushed me or something). you mean to tell me that was almost 25 years ago? word?


damn damn damn.


um, sooo now what? well...i'm about to be *cough*ahem*emmm*errr*hmph...30. there i said it. i'm about to be 30 years mf'n years old. whew! that's a lot. kinda. ain't it? don't answer that.


well in my 29th year of life, i've learned SO much about myself. oh my goodness. ya'll wanna know what i've learned (so far. 'cause surely i am still learning)? ok. here we go....

29 things i have learned about myself (in no particular order):

1.  i'm sensitive. as SHIT. like who knew??? well maybe YA'LL did, but I didn't and i promise if somebody would have described me as "sensitive" 2 years ago, i would've looked at them like they just grew an extra nose.
2.  i'm emotional. as SHIT! like cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat emotional. when did THIS happen??? i'm convinced it JUST happened. like last week sometime. ok, not really. but it definitely happened over the past year. DEFINITELY.
3.  i love HARD. men, friends, all of the above...*blessing and a curse*
4.  i'm scared of commitment! in real life. i love the idea of love, marriage, etc...but the truth is, the shit freaks me out! surprised? yeap i was too, once i finally realized it/admitted it to myself...i'll elaborate on all that in a future post;)
5.  i take things personally. a Lot. no bueno. i need to QTIP right? yeah, yeah...i know, i know...
6.  i've heard this one once or twice before from other people, but i think i'm finally getting to the point of believing it myself (ESPECIALLY over this past year...whew)--i'm resilient.
7.  i am magnetic! (so i've been told...i agree!:)).
8.  i like being naked. what?
9.  i have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. i don't care How fine you are (*insert name here*). and yes I get to define what "bullshit" means to me. hmph!
10. i do NOT handle stress well. i mean, outwardly? it appears that i roll with the punches as they come. but in real life, in my private time....wheeeeweeee!
11. i am an ASS when it comes to grammatical/spelling errors that are, in my opinion, very OBVIOUS. i hate that. a typo is one thing. if you're intentionally shortening words, or typing in all small letters is one thing (*wink*). but to put "lose" when you mean "loose" or putting the word "an" in front of a word that doesn't start with a vowel??? shoot me now.
12. i'm not one of those "see that's why i don't hang with chics, and have all male friends" chics. i LOVE chics! i love my chic friends, as well as my male friends, and i've learned an abundance from the women in my life. love ya'll chics! :)
13. i give second chances. and third. and sometimes even fourth. *totally working on that* 2 words, 1 name: be**** ha****. never again.
14. my heart is really big. and i totally mean well. more times than not.
>>>>pause: they're playing "have you ever" by brandy right now and i'm kinda freaking out! check my first post<<<<
15. i'm afraid of being "alone". i know that #4 says that i'm scared of commitment. but at the EXACT same time, i'm afraid that i'll end up alone! ain't that some weird, confusing, "typical woman" type shit? yeah, i know...i can't explain it. *shrugs*
16. i don't like for people to be upset with me. i'm GREAT at making it seem like i could give less than a damn if i think someone is upset with me, but the truth is i haaaaaaaaate for people to be mad or upset with me. which brings me to...
17. if there IS a problem, i get super annoyed when people do not TELL ME! arrrrgh! it really grinds my gears! if there is a problem, i may be totally unaware of it, and i would just love to get it out and cleared up, rather than maintaining this silent-ass-weird-awkward "thing". we grown right?
18. i can be SUPER impatient. at the EXACT same time...
19. i can be SUPER patient! ain't that some shit??
**explanation** i get impatient with others when they don't value my time, when it's Clear that there is a sense of urgency on my end. but in real life, why should they care right?? umm...because they're my Friend?? and they Care about Me?? hopefully? eh.
and i  know i can be SUPER patient because i mean really- how many people can say they actually spent 17 days (straight) taking down their locs? *raises hand* true story. ya'll remember i used to have locs?? dang.
20. i HATE depending on people but i EXPECT people to depend on me during certain situations. crazy right? that's the social worker in me i guess.
21. i'm finally okay with my physical imperfections. that took me a WHILE! i'm sure partaking in a very liberating, albeit daring (for me) photo session with photographer saddi khali assisted in helping me get to that point. that and just getting "older" and more comfortable with my body. wait, you don't know saddi? google that brother. maybe i need to hold him accountable for my #8! haha.
22. i trust easily...sometimes Too easily.
23. i get close to people easily....again, sometimes Too easily.
24. i will probably love my ex forever. (the last one, not the one halfway mentioned in #13)
25. i love artists- poets, writers, painters, photographers, musicians....love, Love, LOVE them. like, i'm an artist groupie! they're super dope! but the thing that i REALLY love? my real life artist peeps! i love them to bits and pieces, and i think they kinda love me too. haha:)
26. i miiiiiiiiiight be a functional alcoholic. and IF indeed this is the case, i blame my father. (just joking daddy! kinda.)
27. i get me. but i finally understand that not everybody else does. or will. and that's ok.
28. i like writing. kinda love it actually. i didn't know that. or did i? maybe i did and i forgot. i don't know.
29. I'MA LOVER!!!!!!!!! (you HAD to know that was gonna be my 29th one! *sticks out tongue*)

so yeah. that's it. i'm about to be 30. as of october 29, 2010, i will O-fficially be out of my 20s. forever. it's a little depressing. and kinda exciting. and somewhat scary. all at once!! hmm...well, i hope you enjoyed my 29. i won't be 29 for long...

damn.

:-(    :-/    :-)

ONLY GOD!!

Mission Accomplished! All 33 Miners Rescued!! God is good!!!

From WACK to WONDERFUL!

Hey Peeps. Welcome back to my scribble..;)

Today tried to be trying, but I wouldn't let it.

Note: I almost ALWAYS type in all lowercase, just because...I want to, and I like to. But today I won't. Just in case you were wondering.

Okay, so back to today.

OH EM GEE.

So in my current state of laid-off-ness, my days tend to be fairly uneventful and downright boring. I hate not working, it's dumb and stupid. But I'm laid off, and I'm going to Ghana in less than a month. I won't be working until I get back. So there you have it.

Last night while I was driving home from church, I rode past the Chicago Police Department on Cottage Grove. I've passed the CPD many times before, and have even had to go up in there once to take care of some business. When I went there, I noticed there were people sleeping outside of the station. I can't lie, I was shocked. I was shocked and hurt and sad. But I just went in there and handled my business and then left. That was almost a month ago. Okay, so back to last night. I drove past on my way home, and looked to my left and saw them outside again, sleeping. I didn't feel shocked, or hurt, or sad this time. This time I felt compelled. Compelled to do what? I didn't know yet. But it was gonna be something. So I thought for a couple more minutes, and knew immediately what I was going to do. I was gonna feed them.

I called the police station to make sure it was okay for me to feed my "homeless homies" (*smile*) and I called up a friend to see if he wouldn't mind accompanying me to take them some food. I figured, I love pizza, so hell, maybe they will too. Pizza it was gonna be! So I made up my mind that the next evening before church (which is today), I was gonna go feed them.

Fast forward to today.

Okay. So my friend and I decided I'd pick him up and we'd be on our way to the pizza place at 6pm (he came up with this time, I agreed). At 6:07pm I was ready to head out of the house to go get him, and he....was just. getting. home. Or in the shower, one of the two. *deep breath*
I know how I can be with time, but it was made pretty clear that I needed to be at church by a certain time (7pm to be exact). Hmm...so what does this mean? I'm gonna be late. Dumb late. I'm normally always late to like everywhere- but I mean, come on. This could have Totally been avoided...
At any rate, we go to where the pizza place is SUPPOSED to be, and I will be damned. It's not there. I was sooooooo frustrated at this point. I was already irritated because 6pm had turned into 6:30pm and now this? GOT to be kidding me. Seriously. Like are you f'n serious??<-----those were all of the things that ran through my mind.
Ultimately, I just said fuck it. I was taking my friend home and then was gonna go home and pick my poison (sangria? or moscato?)...The tears came involuntarily. He wasn't supposed to see them. But he somehow did, and kept asking me what was wrong and was saying things to make me feel better. But it was annoying me, so I said nothing.
Just kept driving and praying that I wouldn't hit something or somebody on the way back home. I had officially shut down, I was Super upset and frustrated, and all I could do was drive and cry. No talking.

Okay, so I dropped him off at home, and then the tears REALLY came. I mean I was crying like somebody kicked me in the stomach. But...I guess that's how I felt. I just wanted to do something good, you know? I just wanted to go to church and I wanted to help my homies (let me just clarify--I really do not know these people at ALL).

I drove home.

When I got home, would you believe there were absolutely NO parking spots? GOT to be kidding me. Got to be. Nope. Not at all. No parking spots on my block, at ALL. So what this lil African girl do? She took her butt to church. I sho did. I was like, you know what? It's 6:55pm and it starts at 7, but I NEED to be up in SOMEbody's church, or all hell might break loose in real life. I went to church. We gathered on this day in particular to pray for the underemployed and unemployed (*points to self* :-/), and participated in intercessory prayer with one another. It was awesome ya'll! I cried me a(nother) good cry up in there!

While I was in church, I decided: you know what? Forget this, the devil IS a lie. I WILL feed my homeless homies if it's the LAST thing I do today. So after I got out of church, I called the police station (again) to make sure it wasn't too late (she said it wasn't), called another (more expensive, but at this point, I did NOT care at all) pizza spot, put my order in, and went on my merry way.

at the police station....

I parked my car right outside the station, and saw the homies sleeping. I had no clue what I was going to do because I was hoping at LEAST one of them would be awake so I could leave it with 'em. So I just started walking up the way to the doors, when one of them kind of sat up. I asked him if he was hungry and let him know that I had brought some food for them (just in case he didn't see the HUGE ass pizza box in my hand). Then another one sat up. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was shaking like a leaf, I was so nervous! I have NO idea why though!! They were harmless. Hell, if anything, I'M the one they needed to worry about right? (I mean not in real life, but you get my point). I left the box of pizza with them and then went inside of the station to see if they had some paper plates or napkins...do you know when I came back out with some napkins 5 minutes later, that pizza was gone?! My homies were hungry ya'll. :-( They made sure to share with the others who were initially sleeping, (I know because I asked them and they all said yes), and they smiled and thanked me. They were so hungry! My heart wasn't beating fast anymore, it was smiling. My body wasn't shaking like a leaf anymore, I was calm. I was happy. I loved seeing the looks on their faces. The sincere gratitude. The satisfication. They wouldn't have to sleep on an empty stomach now.

I didn't do any of this, or write about this experience to get the "ohhh that's sooo niiiiiice" "that's sooo sweeeet" "your blessings are cominnnnng", blah blah blaaaaaaah....I'm a social worker ya'll. One of the most rewarding fields (in my opinion), that there is. So I'm not thirsty for the "praise". I wasn't even going to scribble about this at all to be honest. But I decided to because I almost didn't do any of this. I almost gave up because my evening did not go how I wanted it to go. How selfish! I almost didn't feed the homeless homies because MY evening didn't go as planned? I almost didn't go to prayer services because of MY irritation?? Really Ms. "ImaLover"? Really? Yeap, really. It almost didn't happen. But boy am I thankful I did what I set out to do. I wanted my friend to go with me because I felt nervous and anxious and didn't want to do this alone. I wanted to go to the first pizza spot because it was cheaper. Neither of those things occurred, and I almost let that PLUS the absence of time stop me. How dare I?! But thank JESUS, that my love for helping others, and my determination superceded my selfishness (and I'm not even selfish in real life! Well I don't think I am anyway..). Thank Jesus! I feel so good ya'll. I am going to stop depending on people to do things with me that I KNOW that I am capable of doing by myself. I am also going to stop being so impatient with myself and with others (well I'ma continue to work on that one ya'll...for real).

I feel good. I don't have much ya'll. At all. But my homeless homies? They have nothing.

This went from a WACK Wednesday to a WONDERFUL Wednesday!

HOTEP!!
:)

Forgive Who?

so this evening i went to my ministry meeting at the church that i attend. the ministry that i am involved with is the single's ministry. the church that i belong to is trinity united church of christ. you may know it as "president obama's old church". yeap, that's my church. and i LOVE it too. ok. so when i joined back in january, i decided what the hay? i'll be a part of the single's ministry. meetings are held every tuesday at the church and by "single", we mean unmarried. without making this an entire post about the ministry alone (which could Easily be a post or 2 or 3 by itself), i'll try to keep it "concise". but ummm. if you know me, like Really know me, you know this isn't an easy task for me (conciseness). but all i can do is try right? so i had been attending my meetings pretty regularly after I became a member of tucc and have thoroughly enjoyed my time at these meetings. they are thought-provoking, insightful, informative, and you meet some really cool peeps too. however, the past few months, i have kind of fallen off with the regularity of my attendance due to "life". that might be another post (the whole "life" thing). anyway, so ever since i started attending, topics have varied from joblessness, to sex before marriage, to children out of wedlock, among many other topics and how it affects "us" as single Christians. today we talked about forgiveness.

forgiveness.

according to dictionary.com, forgiveness is "the act of forgiving" or the "disposition or willingness to forgive".

that didn't help much?

okay, well then let's look up forgive on dictionary.com.

forgive: {verb, used with object} "to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve." or "to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.)." or "to grant pardon to (a person)." or "to cease to feel resentment against: (to forgive one's enemies)." or "to cancel an indebtedness or liability of (to forgive the interest owed on a loan)." or {verb, used without object} "to pardon an offense or an offender." 

okay. so i think we're pretty clear on the whole forgiveness/forgive thing now right? good.

allow me to set the stage of tonight's meeting for you real quick. we're in a room where we are seated in a circle (reminiscent of a support group or something like that) pretty intimately, with no more than about 15 of us present. the majority of the group is comprised of women (imagine that!), but tonight, the meeting is being led by a man. altogether, there are approximately four men total. the discussion started off pretty slowly because he started off by posing the question "what prevents us from forgiving others"--okay, so maybe you shouldn't quote me on that because this meeting was hours ago, and i've since had a few glasses of wine, BUT it was Something like that...anyway, so people shouted out pretty obvious and appropriate responses: "anger", "frustration", "hurt/pain", etc...makes sense right? yeap, i thought so too. alright so without attempting to go through the entire meeting play by play (because SURELY that's not going to happen accurately), let me get to the part that I felt was quiiiiiiite in-ter-es-tiing, and which inspired this here blog-post.

so the statement was made (and i will not attempt to quote him verbatim, but BASICALLY what he was saying was) that when you really, truly forgive someone--you ought to be able to acknowledge that person in a less than negative (i.e. positive or neutral) way. whether this person is "presented" to you in person, brought up in mere conversation, or you've seen a photo, billboard, or damn newspaper article of this person (okay i added the last two things)--just whenever and however the person is brought to your attention, (s)he should be "acknowledged" once you have forgiven them (per the speaker). let's just say, said person is an "ex" of some sort- an ex-boy/girlfriend, ex-lover, ex-friend, etc. so when the speaker was talking about this "acknowledgement", my understanding (based on what He was saying) was that if you were to see this "ex" out somewhere, you should speak, say hi, hold "short" conversation....even speak to this person on the phone if/when they call in order to "acknowledge" that (s)he is forgiven. um. i disagree. and i disagreed at the meeting too. vehemently. now let me just say this: normally, i don't say shit. i'm an observer. i love watching people and listening to people. i don't HAVE to talk. i mean, i LOVE to talk, but i certainly do not have to. and i also really don't like people "observing" or looking at me (ain't that some shit?), so i tend to stay pretty quiet in these sorts of settings...BUT. i had to say something tonight.

here's my thing. if you forgive someone for the wrong(s) that they have committed against you, why is it necessary to further acknowledge that person? i mean, in your spirit, you've forgiven them right? you've had a pow wow or two with Jesus, let Him know how you feel about the situation, you've gotten it all straightened out with Him, you've even asked Him to forgive the person of their wrongdoings (whether this person believes they're wrong or not), and life as we know it can move the hell on. right? or am i waaaaaay off on this forgiveness thing?

all i'm saying is--i've forgiven MANY a muthaphucka in my day for doing some TRIF'LIN shit to me. and i mean i've REALLY forgiven them. as in, in my heart, in my mind, in my body, and in my spirit- they have been forgiven. i've prayed on their behalf and EVERYTHING (that's big!). HOWEVER. this does not mean if i were to see the person(s) at the grocery store, i'd stop and shoot the shit with them in aisle 8. i'm sorry. i probably will...not.
i wouldn't hold any anger, hurt, feelings of contempt in my heart against them, if i Did see them, but just because i've forgiven them does not make us bffs. nor, in my opinion, does it make it necessary for them to know that i've forgiven them. hell, for all i know they don't even think they've done anything that warrents my forgiveness, right? or maybe i'm not. i mean but really. "acknowledge the person"? ummm...

we did agree, however, that all of this is situational. i mean depending on who it is, what the situation was/is, etc...maybe one Could get to the point to where you'd have no problem telling the person that they have been forgiven, and/or having some sort of communication with them after the forgiveness and healing have occurred. but lets just say it's an ex-boy/girlfriend/lover that you really have absolutely NO intentions of inviting back into your life on ANY level, despite the fact that you have forgiven him/her. is it necessary to let them know they have been forgiven? is it necessary to "acknowledge" them if/when you happen to see them  upon your forgiveness of their wrongdoing(s) against you? well, hell. is it?? i found myself getting pretty annoyed this evening because what i was hearing was, "you know you have truly forgiven someone, when you have first forgiven yourself for your role in the situation, you've talked to God about it, you've allowed the Holy Spirit to work within you (all of which i agree with), AND you're able to acknowledge the "offender" (THIS I DO NOT AGREE WITH!!!!)." my thing was, "why???" why do i have to make it a point to tell this person, "i forgive you" or break my neck to speak to this person just because we happen to share the same space at any given time upon me forgiving them? i mean seriously. nowhere in the above definitions of "forgiveness" or "forgive" did i read Anything about "acknowledging" the offender. did i miss it? is it implied? i don't get it. maybe it's me. personally, i'd prefer to talk to Jesus about it, allow myself time to heal, forgive the offender and then keep it moving. period. is that not okay??

let me know because hell, if that's the case, i got some work to do......

Have You Ever?

...so have you ever? "have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night? have you ever tried to find the words, but they don't come out right? have you ever?" brandy asks, "have you ever?"

well. i ask, have you ever loved someone that you KNOW was not good for you? have you ever loved someone that you weren't  SUPPOSED to love? have you ever loved someone who caused you a whole bunch of PAIN? have you ever?

shit i have.